By John Schork, Assistant Editor, Dark Horse Presents

World Wrestling Entertainment, LiveNation, and the organizers of Monster Jam have mysteriously ceased global operations.  Following suit shortly thereafter, President Obama held a press conference live aboard Air Force One, announcing his plans to immediately take up residence in the storied Presidential emergency bunker, miles below Devils Tower National Monument.

When queried by reporters as to the motivations behind his hasty retreat, the Commander-in-Chief responded:

“It’s that damn Dark Horse panel at the San Diego Comic-Con. It’s just too damn rad and I can’t f*#%*ing handle it.  It’s not fair, dammit! They get to whoop it up with Eric Powell, Dave Gibbons, Fábio Moon and Carla Speed McNeil and I’m supposed to be talking about something called a ‘debt ceiling’ and stumping in Iowa!”

The President was briefly interrupted as an aide whispered in his ear, then exclaimed: “THEY GET WHAT?!?!?!  JUST FOR SHOWING UP?!?!!  I QUIT!” and stormed back to his cabin.

At press time, I’ve yet to receive confirmation from the White House, but it’s likely the aide informed him of the exclusive Dark Horse Presents ashcan being handed out to panel attendees.  It contains an exclusive, black and white version of Dave Gibbons’ upcoming DHP story, “Treatment”.   EXCLUSIVE.

Shortly after the President’s exit, he stormed back to the podium yelling “STERANKO! STERANKO! THEY’RE GONNA HAVE JIM STERANKO!” 

Just then, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney put his hand on the President’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear.  Before anyone could react, Vice President Joe Biden was patched into all of Air Force One’s onboard video screens.

The VP appeared in the background of the shot, in what looked to be his office.   The Vice President’s desk had been overturned and he was what looked to be deeply ensconced in the process of demolishing his office walls with a 9 iron.   It was a moment before he looked into the camera.  When he noticed it was on, he began slowly stalking towards the lens, with a maniacal glint in his eye.  “SANFORD GREENE!” he shouted over and over.  “BARACK, WE’RE GONNA MISS SANFORD GREENE!” before leaping out the nearest window and last being seen in a wooded area just outside of Arlington.

It’s not the place of a journalist to speculate, so luckily, I work in comics.  The President of the United States, with full support of Congress, doesn’t want you or your loved ones to miss this panel.  In fact, if you do, there’s a distinct chance of experiencing high levels of anxiety, constipation, and possibly full-blown madness.

This reporter doesn’t know much, but he does know that whoever is lucky enough to attend that panel should probably bring extra skivvies and a few pairs of those sunglasses you wear to look at solar eclipses.