OH, NO! My city has been hit by jam! What do I do?
A citizen’s guide to survival in the postpreserve world
STAY CALM! STAY SAFE! STAY OFF THE GROUND!
Q. What is the JAM?
A. DO NOT ask questions about the jam. How the jam came to be is in the past, and we must focus on the present.
Q. All right then, how do I recognize the jam?
A. The jam is a red, viscous substance that smells strongly of strawberries, and which is covering the city’s entire floor to a depth of about three feet. It will also have absorbed large amounts of your property and friends. Hopefully you will know it when you see it. DO NOT TOUCH THE JAM. DO NOT GO NEAR THE JAM. IF YOU ARE SHORTSIGHTED, DO NOT GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE JAM TO RECOGNIZE THE JAM.
The jam also has a tendency to extend parts of itself towards anything that it can absorb and that is close enough for it to sense. For this reason, do not tease the jam or take photos of yourself with the jam, even for ironic purposes.
Q. Is there any protection from the jam?
A. First of all, the suggestion that peanut butter might counteract the jam has long stopped being funny.
It has been observed that absorbable substances (vegetable matter, wood, organic fabrics, flesh, etc.) can be safely immersed in the jam if they are completely sealed in an unabsorbable substance (metal, stone, plastic, molten lava, etc.). Wrapping your limbs in several layers of plastic bags may provide enough protection to recover vital objects from the jam, such as prescription medication. Citizens doing so, however, must accept full responsibility for any subsequent downturn in fortune and/or bodily mass.
The only surefire protection from the jam is to remain indoors, at least one story above ground level, in a nonwooden building.
Q. I was in a wooden building, outdoors, or on the ground floor at the moment the jam arrived. What can I do?
A. You are currently dead. Since you are reading this, we would like to suggest that you resolve whatever issues of the flesh keep you fettered to the mortal realm.
Q. Why is all of this happening? Did we upset some kind of food-themed supervillain?
A. Please refer to the first answer. We remind you that asking questions about the jam is NOT HELPFUL. There will be plenty of time for assigning blame when/if the jam goes away.
Q. I am in a jam-safe location. What do I do now?
A. Your first priority should be to gather food, water, blankets, and plastic bags in a centralized, defensible location. If the inventory of the building you are currently in proves insufficient, try using fire escapes, rooftop access, and electrical cables to gain entry to the upper stories of surrounding buildings.
Should you encounter other survivors, you would be well advised to join forces for mutual gain and moral support. If you consider this impossible due to hostility or long, awkward lapses in conversation that indicate a lack of common interests, you may also wish to murder them and steal their resources for yourself. Bear in mind that deliberately shoving them into the jam should be saved for a last resort, as an intact human corpse is an easy and lasting source of sustenance.
If you are considering this option, please bear in mind that your potential murder recipient will almost certainly have also read this document. If (s)he is currently doing so, intermittently moistening their lips and glancing in your direction, then we recommend resolving the matter quickly.
Q. I am morally opposed to cannibalism. What are my options?
A. That’s very cute of you. Perhaps you could try sweet-talking the jam into making you a nice sweet-corn quiche and providing some nice fluffy pillows for you to cuddle at night. Wise up: this is the jam’s world now, and we’re all just living in it.
However, for the particularly squeamish, an emergency source of less morally reprehensible sustenance could potentially be found in pet dogs and cats, which can be fed on the poorer-quality supplies unsuitable for humans until slaughter becomes necessary. For your own survival, maintain as little affection for the animal as possible. Do not stroke it or make eye contact, and blame it every time someone farts.
Q. I am extremely pretentious and only keep smaller, exotic pets. What use could they be?
A. Pets such as tarantulas, scorpions, snakes, and cockroach farms could also serve a useful purpose as home defense. Very few cannibalistic foragers will remain committed to an assault after a cobra or snapping turtle has been hurled at their face.
Q. Now that I am safe from the jam, hunger, dehydration, and my fellow readers, what do I do now? Will help be on its way?
A. Unfortunately the government has no official emergency rescue plan for the event of jam invasion, for the reason that strawberry jam was until recently extremely low down on the Department of Defense’s list of priorities. We ask you to accept that this was not unreasonable thinking on our part.
However, it would be an extremely good idea to create some kind of signal or message on the roof of your holdout that would be visible from the air. The advantage of a jam attack over a boring old earthquake or tsunami is the novelty value, and hopefully there will be a lot of media and military aircraft coming to have a look at it.
In the event of the entire Earth’s surface being covered in jam, citizens should consider carefully whether any attempt at survival is worth the bother. If you conclude no, then please be mindful of your fellow citizens and commit suicide by a method that preserves your edibility, such as drowning yourself in a large jar of brine.
Q. I am now safe from jam, hunger, dehydration, cannibals, going unnoticed by rescue vehicles, and my own suicidal impulses, and things have become very boring. Is NOW a good time to start asking questions about the jam?
A. No.