A strange thing happened the other day . . . I was sitting in front of my computer, minding my own business, reading webcomics. I had a smile on my face and a bounce in my knee. All was right with the world. Suddenly, out of nowhere, three old men burst into my office. "What in tarnation are you doin'!" bellowed the one that looked like an old-timey prospector. "Look at him! Wasting his time on that television-typewriter! He's just a procrastinator!" growled the old-age pensioner in a fishing cap.
"In my day we didn't have time for e-lec-tronic, tube-delivered tomfoolery such as this! When we had work to do we did it! We didn't fart around on the internets readin' comical strips!" spit the third angry grandpa as he poked me with his cane.
"What's your problem?" I shot back "How'd you get in my office?!"
"You're wasting your time with those webcomics, young feller. They ain't nothing but useless distraction, keeping you from being a productive member of society," said old-time prospector.
"You don't know what you're talking about," I responded.
"Why I'll teach you some respect-" mumbled angry grandpa as he swung his cane at my head. I ducked as the old man in the fishing cap caught the cane just before it connected.
"Well, how 'bout you explain it to us, sonny?" fishing cap said in a mocking tone.
"All right," I said, sitting up again "I will." A few clicks of the mouse later I was at achewood.com. "Look here . . . This is the Great Outdoor Fight story arc on achewood.com."
"Those look like kitties!" angry grandpa giggled.
"That's because they are," I said. "But don't let that fool you. Chris Onstad's story of three days, three acres, and three thousand men will teach you about the true meaning of friendship. Not to mention that Achewood was named Time.com's top graphic novel of 2007."
"Okay, whipper-snapper, but that's only one! What else ya got?" questioned old-time prospector.
"How about this one here," I said, clicking the link to slowwave.com. "This is a strip by Jesse Reklaw where he translates people's dreams into four panels of comics gooodness!"
"There ain't nothing interesting about hearing other people's dreams!" admonished angry cane grandpa, smacking me upside the head.
"Now hold on there a minute," old-time prospector interjected. "I find the study of the human subconscious through the interpretation of REM sleep to be a right fascinating subject!"
"Yeah, what he said," I replied, rubbing the welt on my scalp. "And there's also David Malki's Wondermark, Mitch Clem's Nothing Nice to Say, Scott Meyer's Basic Instructions, not to mention Nicholas Gurewitch's Perry Bible Fellowship. They're all just plain hilarious!"
"I do like me a laugh now and again," cane grandpa whispered.
Then the three men became silent and a sadness washed over them. "What's wrong?" I questioned.
"We don't know how to use the Internet..." fishing cap said with a quiver in his voice.
"NO PROBLEM!" I shouted, almost killing angry cane grandpa. "Dark Horse has all these webcomics in good old-fashioned book form!" I got up and took copies of Achewood: The Great Outdoor Fight, The Night of Your Life: A Slow Wave Collection, and The Perry Bible Fellowship Almanack off my bookshelf and handed them to the elderly gentlemen. "Take these and enjoy them," I said showing them gently out of my office.
"How can we thank you?" said fishing cap as the three looked at me apologetically.
"Just don't be so quick to judge next time" I said with a smile. The three men then turned and walked away.
I smiled to myself as I closed my office door, locked it, and went back to wasting my time reading webcomics on the internet.
Dave Land
Editor