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Empowered Interview 2/14/12
Dark Horse Comics: What’s the most difficult part about being a superheroine?
Empowered: Um, well…As someone who’s carrying a crushing load of body-image issues on her shoulders—or around her hips, more relevantly—the toughest part of my often-craptastic superjob is having to run around in a beyond-skintight “hypermembrane” supersuit that leaves, like, nothing to the imagination. (As in, “I imagine that superheroine should perhaps consider laying off her late-night nom-nom-nomming of uncooked cookie dough by the tubeful.”) Seriously, having to cavort about in public with your jibbly bits on display is, to me, much scarier than having to engage in hand-to-hand battle. (Or hand-to-tentacle battle, or hand-to-mechanical-claw battle, or hand-to-pseudopod battle, whatevs.)
Really, I have to admit that the act of fighting supervillains is actually a welcome relief for me. When bad guys are trying to kick my butt, that totally distracts me from worrying if they’re looking at my butt.
DHC: What has been your most intense battle with a villain?
EMP: Well, that would probably be my teeny li’l tussle with the ragey reptile guy King Tyrant Lizard, I think. [pause] Um, as seen in the upcoming Empowered Deluxe Edition Volume 1, on sale February 29 from your local comics retailer, okay? (Gotta get my stupid plugs in, don’t I?)
Anyhoo, after I broke that goofy little crown his mom made for him—hey, I didn’t mean to do that, okay?—King Tyrant Angrypants kinda tried to, well, literally bite my head off, which would’ve seriously ruined my whole week. (I hear that the rehab time from a decapitation is just ridiculous, too.)
DHC: Do you have a crush on a superhero that you’ve never told anyone about?
EMP: Well, jeez, that’s kind of a wayyyy-too-personal question, isn’t it? No, wait, this “interview” is taking place in a metatextual, fourth-wall-breaky context, right? Nobody from within the fictional, um, “Empverse”—wow, that’s not narcissistic at all—will ever read this, will they?
In that case, I can giggle and flutter and get all whisperish to confess to you that I have a teensy, tiny, Lilliputiany crush on Capitan Rivet, the very cool leader of my very crappy team, the Superhomeys. Then again, El Capitan is kind of an authority figure to me, and I do happen to have a boatload—no, a container-ship load, or a supertanker load—of daddy issues, so…Dot, dot, dot.
Um, this really is more of a platonic-ideal dealie than a heavy-breathe-y sexual dealie, okay? It’s not like I fantasize about hooking up with him after a drunken alt-universe Halloween party, all right? Honestly, as I am a bit of a yaoi and slash-fanfic enthusiast, I’d be much more likely to fantasize about Capitan Rivet hooking up with another male mecha—that android “Mechanismo,” say, who strikes me as a classic power bottom.
But while I’ve never directly told anyone about this semicrush—I’m totally blushing, here, under my mask—I’m pretty sure that my boyfriend’s figured it out, as he’s seen my beloved Capitan Rivet underpants. (Blushing even harder, right now.) I try never to wear that stuff when sexy time’s afoot, though, since the poor boy gets badly distracted by the image of heroic El Capitan staring out from my, um, lady-parts region.
DHC: What lessons would you like to share with young superhero boys and girls?
EMP: Well, for all the wannabe “capes”—or wannabe whatevers—out there, I can tell you this: Things don’t always work out exactly like you planned—or even vaguely like you planned, much of the time. You can get the job of your dreams, like me, and find out that it’s actually kind of a nightmare. So, don’t get tied down to a single, inflexible, no-plan-B vision of your future, okay? (Or tied down to anything, if you can help it; speaking as an often-distressed superdamsel, getting tied down in either a literal or a figurative fashion really, really sucks.) Let me assure you, that Yoda guy was full of crap—not to mention a puppeteer’s hand—’cause there definitely is such a thing as “try,” and you’re gonna have to do a lot of it. And a lot of failing, in my experience, followed by a lot more trying. Try, fail, rinse, repeat.
DHC: If you had another superhero’s powers, which would they be?
EMP: Powers aren’t the issue, really, so much as costumes. I would dearly love to clomp around in a full-body-hidey suit of powered armor, secure in the knowledge that no one could instantly tell at a glance that I haven’t been to the gym in a week and a half. But knowing my own derpy tendencies, I’d probably abuse the privilege like a big dummy, and up my raw-cookie-dough consumption until I couldn’t fit in the armor anymore. :(
Still, I’d love the opportunity to rock some serious heavy-metal couture at some point, as I’m pretty sure that Iron Man’s cybersartorial ensemble can’t be shredded by a gosh-darn rosebush, like my stupid, shred-happy excuse for a supersuit can. [sigh]
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